i used to write and perform music to be seen, heard and loved.
then i realized that was a very unpleasant reason to perform. don't get me wrong please. i think that being loved, seen and heard are all wonderful things, but to make it the sole reason to perform isn't a whole reason. it only fills one up for the time being.
there is a magic on stage that i experience when everything is together. whether it be a finely rehearsed band show, or an improvised jazz delight; there is a feeling of euphoria and connection which is beyond the ego. many accounts of musicians and artists of all kind experiencing this "bliss" or "godliness" or "joy."
"i just let go and become a part of the oneness" or "i lose myself completely in the song," is often stated.
and with live performance there is an absolute togetherness with the band and the audience too. no matter how advanced the equipment is, a recording is never as amazing as the sensation of experiencing it live.
we all go thru a human process of understanding oneself. it comes in waves that cycle with age, that hopefully improve with awareness and experiences.
no sense in beating yourself up or down. the feeling of unsatisfied with a situation always boils down to being unsatisfied with your self.
over many many years and countless experiences, i've observed what makes a performance joyful. my own reasons for getting on stage have changed and so it is easy to enjoy myself a great deal.
i make music because I WANT to make music. i perform it because I WANT to perform. The rest is all details.
this takes an enormous amount of pressure off of my process. it is my choice to develop my desires.
i had to take a break when my daughter was born almost 4 years ago. i didn't pick up my guitar. i didn't perform. i was busy, wanting to take care of my newborn, wanting to spend time with my toddler, wanting to play with my pre-schooler. almost 4 years, and i've hardly picked up my guitar. it didn't mean that i gave it up or became another person; it was just that my desires changed with the new situation.
thankfully, my husband picked up where i left off, and wrote all the music for our electronic project, Jess Meider's Chinatown. I wrote lyrics and melodies, but mostly I hung out with our daughter. the songs are a representation of our daughter's birth and growth. neat. joyful.
now that she's older, i can pick up my guitar and inspire for a little while. it feels nice to hold my guitar, feel the vibrations, vibrate with the guitar and my voice. new things coming.
but only if i want to. : )